Frustration is an emotion that many of us experience frequently. Whilst most people dislike the feeling, this blog explores how it might be useful both for addressing our short-term needs and longer-term fulfillment.
What is Frustration?
Frustration is how we feel when there is something seemingly out of our control getting in the way of what we would like to have happen. Like when you have waited several turns to start and the dice just won't give you a 6...
It starts with disappointment, there is a gap between what we expected and what is actually happening and instantly escalates to frustration as we feel there is nothing we can do about it. Often this it has a spiraling effect leading to us finding more and more reasons - people or things to blame - for the gap between our expectation and reality. Our minds go in so many different direction focused on searching for problems, challenges and obstacles and it can feel like there is no way out.
But, what if we could pause before the spiraling starts? If we recognise the initial feeling as disappointment and stop and reflect before frustration sets in, there is a lot to be gained from the signals being sent to us.
The positive side of frustration "disappointment"
Whilst disappointment may not sound all that positive, it is an emotion that is sending us a signal that there is a gap between our expectations and reality. It can help us to identify and address short-term needs and can also help us see and address more fundamental needs.
Listening to this signal, gives us the opportunity to pause, notice and reflect on the what is in the gap enabling us to do something about it.
Step 1) Pause
This gets easier with practice - just stopping and noticing and forming a habit of putting a pause between disappointment and frustration. As the length of the pause grows it gives more time for Step 2).
Step 2) Work out what is in the gap
Sometimes this is easy e.g. if there is traffic and it is going to make you late for a meeting, you know that your expectation of being on time for the meeting will not be met.
Other times it is less straightforward - you may think you are frustrated because your partner didn't do the dishes but you are actually frustrated that you ended up doing them and didn't have time to get to the gym. We make expectations habitually and subconsciously and so we may not be able to easily identify the gap. Reflecting on what it is you wanted to have happen can be helpful to start to identify the things that you expected or talking it through with someone can help.
Step 3) Close the gap
The gap is between our expectation and reality so we have two options for closing it.
1) Let it go: adjust your expectation to meet reality. If there is traffic and you are going to be late for a meeting, accept it, switch on the radio and relax.
2) Next right thing: take action to start bringing reality closer to your expectation.
Call into work, let people know you will be late and start prepping yourself mentally for the meeting as you wait.
(Both of these are songs from Frozen films - Frozen I 'Let it go' which everyone knows and less well known 'Next Right Thing' from Frozen II as they clear the village from danger and head into the forest. So if you need a tune to get into your head to give you inspiration before frustration sets in these may help).
As the saying goes, it is about having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
When is frustration signaling a bigger need?
Frustration is quicker and more frequent to set in for some of us. About 50% of experiences of frustration arise because of our genetics - so for those of us with more frustration in our genes we may need to work a bit harder at forming new habits to benefit from the positive side of the emotion.
We will each have a sort of baseline level we are used to as to how often we experience frustration which is a useful barometer to help us to identify when there is a bigger gap to close.
If frustration starts to show up frequently and more intensely than is typical for you then it is likely that there is a more fundamental need not being met. There is likely a pattern to the expectations that are not being met and a signal within the pattern of the root cause. For example, we are constantly frustrated with tight deadlines at work when we used to thrive on the challenge of getting it all done. This may be a sign that the work we are doing no longer aligns with our values and meeting our sense of purpose.
Having a clear understanding of your own values and what they really mean to you can help you to identify any bigger gaps and work out strategies for how to close them. The most challenging part of this process is often the discovery stage - identifying your values and where they are not being met. Doing this part right, makes the second stage, of exploring options and finding a solution to close the gap much easier. And it does not always result in a drastic change, sometimes it is as simple as having a difficult conversation to address a burning issue or taking up a new project or volunteering role to meet a value.
Something to read
The Chimp Paradox for those of you who have been blessed with genes that mean frustration is a frequent visitor this book might be worth a read. It gives a different perspective about how the mind works and strategies for managing our unruly Chimps.
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